Dreams

Man, as if I don't think about having a baby enough during the day, the thoughts have to continue to bother me while I'm sleeping! I think every night this week I've had some kind of being pregnant dream, or taking a test dream, a miscarriage dream, or an infertility dream. Seriously, and they are so real!

Just last night I had 2 dreams. The first one, I was taking a pregnancy test and it immediately was positive. I was going to go show it to my mom and it blew out of my hand and I went running after it. And for some reason there were no more pregnancy tests to be bought, so no one would believe me that I was pregnant. Weird. LOL. Then, at some point I woke up and went back to sleep.

The next dream I had was me trying to take my temperatures but my thermometer wouldn't go above 95 degrees. I swore up and down that I was pregnant but every test I took came up with an invalid result. Talk about frustrating!!

I woke up this morning sort of discouraged. I had no luck in my dreams and then I got to take my temperature for real and it's still high, but I'd like it to be higher. I really wish I could dream about something else!! I just feel so overwhelmed and even obsessed, and I really am trying NOT to be. As soon as a thought creeps into my mind I push it out, I'd go crazy if I didn't.

But being discouraged this morning brought out my ranty feelings that I try to suppress. I know I shouldn't feel like I am owed anything in this life, but I can't help but feel like it's my time to get what we've been trying for and praying for for 14 months now! I know it's wrong to be jealous of others who have what I want, but it makes me crazy to hear "We weren't even trying" or "All he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant." I feel like I have made every right choice I possibly could with my life, and that I've got my ducks in a row financially and with health insurance... My heart has so much room left to love another baby or several babies, and it is so hard having to deal with this struggle. It really is. Ugh. Sorry guys, just ranting a little.

And if you are one of those who got pregnant first try or on accident and you think I'm being rude or spiteful, I'm really not. I just hate how SOME people take their ability and gift of getting and staying pregnant for granted. I would totally wish for all the morning sickness in the world, the dry hair, the weight gain, the uncomfortable-ness, I'd take it all and never complain because it is literally a miracle that you are pregnant. I will never take it for granted.

Anyways, that's my 9DPO rant. Thanks for bearing with me! :)

hCG After a D&C

Just a little suggestion for all you TTCers who are TTC after a pregnancy loss. Before you start TTC again, be sure to get your hCG levels checked before peeing on a stick.

This is the latest development in my long drawn out roller coaster miscarriage. Ever since I miscarried on December 3rd, I've had my blood tested to monitor my hCG levels and see that they go back down to zero. As of yet they still haven't. What does that mean? It means that there might be some remnants of the pregnancy remaining, and until it's 100% removed my body is thinking it's pregnant. Even more so... this has got me thinking, since I was 4 months pregnant when I miscarried in September... my hCG levels would have been sky high up until the loss. What if they missed something on my D&C and ever since September when I thought I was ovulating regularly and TTC that I actually wasn't... and that the BFP I got in November was just because my hCG levels hadn't gone down enough to zero yet??

This would be good news and bad news. It would mean that I didn't actually loose #4... that I just got a false positive. The bad news, well not bad, but the annoying news is that it put me through all this stress and worry over what is wrong with me, and that if that is the case and since my levels aren't down to zero yet, I would most likely need ANOTHER D&C.

So, to research my theory I discovered that if tissue was left after my D&C, it would still cause my body to produce hCG, make my body think it's pregnant, go through all the motions it would if I were (i.e., building up the uterine lining, giving me symptoms) But after about 20 days my body would realize it's not pregnant, and flush everything out and start again. Since my D&C I have only gone a max of 21 days b/t "cycles" so that just makes me believe my theory even more. I am so tired of all this run around, it's ridiculous.

I go in to the doctor again on Monday to have my levels checked, so I will know by Tuesday at the latest if they've gone down or not. I am hoping and praying they have gone back down.

UPDATE: I am now on CD26...the longest one yet, so let's hope it's out of my system???