Try to find the silver lining.

I am a little bummed this morning. DH and I had a long conversation last night. We've dubbed Sunday nights to be our "discussion night" where we go over finances and the budget, and talk about anything else that we feel needs to be discussed. So we were looking over our quicken last night, and we became a little concerned.

DH works two jobs, and I am about to start school 3/4 time next week, plus we have a 2 year old. Our plates are pretty full. DH's second job has severely cut his hours (seriously, he's only worked 8 hours in the last two weeks) and we need him to be working the 20/week hours that he was promised in order to make ends meet. Needless to say, the outlook wasn't so great for the next few months, and while we would be ok, if we had to throw in more diapers into the budget, if for some reason I couldn't breastfeed again, we would have a hard time affording formula, and if for some reason our insurance didn't cover any of the cost (like with my son) we would be in a world of hurt.

So after a long discussion, lots of tears (on my end), some planning, and some prayer, we have decided not to have a baby at this point in time. I am devistated, but I am trying to find the silver lining. We still want one, and knowing it can only take a few months to get things situated again we aren't completely closing the door. We agreed that each Sunday when we go over our financial situation, we'll re-evaluate whether or not to try. That gives me a little hope that the door is not completely closed. It also motivates me to do all I can to fix things and make it so we can start trying again.

I went to bed last night a little angry. It just wasn't fair to me. Anytime we start making financial strides in the right direction, it feels like someone kicks us back down. We used to be very reckless with our money, but we've learned and are sooo much better with it, but yet it still feels like we are going nowhere. People get pregnant all the time when they can't afford the baby, and they turn to the government for help. I'm not saying that's wrong, but I just can't do that. It is an appealing idea to be able to do that, but maybe it's a pride issue, but I think other people need that more than us. I feel it is my responsibility to be able to provide for the children I bring into this world, because what if the gov't ceased to be?

So, yes, I went to bed angry last night. I think most of it was because I knew it was not a good time to have a baby, but yet I wanted it so badly I was refusing to see the long term perspective. I even said, and I am so ashamed to have said it, that "If God didn't want me to have a baby now, then he needs to stop making me feel like I should have one." I said it. I feel horrible, because that there is my problem. I am trying to pave my own path, when He already has one for me. I hate that it's not the time. I really do. So last night when I said my prayers, instead of asking for a healthy pregnancy, I asked to understand, and to have patience.

Though I am still upset about the decision, I feel that it is best. It is our job as parent to be financially responsible before bringing other life into the world. And I am not talking about being rich or anything, but able to meet the basic demands of having a family. I am ok with the decision. I know it is for the best, and I strongly feel like when it is the right time, I will have no problem getting and staying pregnant. It feels like something he's promised me.

There is a reason in all things, and I am starting to see that there is a lot I need to learn. This experience, these trials, they are for me right now, to teach me. So, I'm looking at the silver lining and I am going to grow from this. It will make me a better mom, wife and friend. I am facing these trials so that I can help someone in the future not endure them.

On a lighter note, I am a planner, and since I need something to plan, here is what I am going to take the time off from TTC to do:

1. Get fit. I WILL do the Jillian Michael's 30 Day shred. All 30 days.
2. Get my CNA license.
3. Change my diet. Reduce my meat intake, eat more veggies, and no soda. I am done!
4. MAYBE I'll go see a naturpath about a herbal regiment, but that's not a big issue right now.
5. Consider getting off my anti-depressants. I hate relying on a pill to feel good, but right now I am scared to get off them. I don't like myself off of them.

Sorry for the long novel post. It might be the last post in a while... I might blog about other things somewhat related to TTC, and keep you updated. So stay subscribed, that way you don't miss a thing!

CD 2

Well, I've scheduled my HSG test for Thursday morning. I'm a little anxious about it, not in a good anxious though. Also asked the nurse at my Dr.'s office about my bloodwork and she said my Dr. was gonna look at it today and that she'd call me back. So, hopefully we'll hear back on that today.

Had a talk with the hubby last night about TTC and how sick and tired I am of it. I think this cycle we are going to take a break, and what I mean by that is, a break from charting, and counting cycle days and stuff. We are still gonna try to make one, but we are hoping that without the stress of TTC it will help. I plan on keeping my distance from the What to Expect message boards because those tend to make me a little stir crazy as well.

I also start school this month and from the looks of my textbook it is going to be a TON of information in a short amount of time, so hopefully I won't have time to concentrate on when I am ovulating. So, with this cycle, here is what we ARE going to do though:

1. I will continue to take my prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid.
2. Use preseed
3. DH will be taking extra vitamin C
4. Remedy anything they might find in my bloodwork/HSG test.

I will NOT:
1. Test till AF is due. That drove me insane this month. I am ridding my house of all pregnancy tests before the time comes to test.
2. Chart my temps
3. Check my CM
4. Look at a calender to see what CD I am on.

Hopefully, this non-plan-of-attack will catch the eggy by surprise!! LOL

Happy Mothers Day!

Just wanted to wish all my readers a happy mothers day! Whether you are a mother already, or are TTC your first, you are still a mother, and a woman and should be celebrated today! I love being a mother to my 2 year old, he is the reason for most of the things I do. I just love him!

I thought today was going to be a tough day for me, I thought I would reflect on my past pregnancies and stuff and be all resentful, but surprisingly I'm not. I'm happy today. My son is my miracle baby and I am so blessed to even have him amongst the other troubles I've had TTC. Though I still am sad about all the miscarriages, I don't regret having them. I have been a mother 5 times, though some were very short. Here is a poem I got from my friend's blog a while back, and I think it is fitting for today. I have it framed in my bedroom, she had just posted it shortly after my 14wk miscarriage, and I really needed to hear it.

Angel Babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a mother”?
And I know I heard him say.

“A mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you”?

“Yes, you can”, He replied
with confidence in his voice
“I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice”

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there’s no need to stay.

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw a tear.

“I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your child’s smile,
with all the other children and say…

“We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
“Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here”.

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They’ll be at the gate for you

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Funny Song

This is so funny. No offense to my pregnant friends, I just got a good laugh out of it!

The Main Reason

Sometimes when I think about having another baby I get very overwhelmed. I have a two year old and he has more energy bottled up inside him than a roman candle. He refuses to potty train even though he knows what he is supposed to do, he wakes me up at the crack of dawn every morning, and he talks every minute of the day he is awake. He exhausts me. How on earth would I be able to manage 2 of him? When I was pregnant last summer with pregnancy #4, I had these thoughts a lot. I hate to admit that I was a little less thrilled about the fact I was pregnant - Even though we had been trying actively for months. Once the reality hit me that I was actually going to have another baby I got very stressed out. Since that loss, I have realized more than ever that I would love another child. And the main reason I am excited for that, is my son.

As tiring and exhausting as he is, he is the light of my world. Nothing in this world makes me happier than being his Mommy. I love that it is my name he calls out when he has a bad dream, or when he has a boo boo. I love that he comes up to me randomly and kisses my arm or cheek. I love watching him grow and learn. I never would have guessed the joy I would feel when someone said their first sentance ("What do you want?" in this case :)). The fact that I taught him his colors, and that he can pick out certain letters off of the signs in front of stores, the fact that he can tell me what animals say... it is amazing to see that I played a roll in that. I am so proud of all the things he is learning to do every day. I think he is so cute sometimes I just want to squeeze the heck out of him. He gets so much attention everywhere we go because of his massive eyelashes and big brown eyes. I just love nothing more than being his mother.

The reason I am trying to have baby number 2, may be selfish, but I want to feel that feeling x2. I want to be a Mom to another baby. I want Cohen to know the joy there is in having brothers and sisters. There is a hole in our family that needs to be filled, and that hole is very prominent in my eyes and is almost shouting at me to fill it. I cannot wait for this dream to become a reality. I deserve this. Cohen deserves this. Our family deserves this. Am I wrong for thinking we deserve something? At the risk of striking a nerve with someone, we have gone about having our family the right way. We dated, got married, then had a baby. We've gotten our insurance straight, made sure we are financially able to care for a baby, and made all those necessary preparations before trying for #2. We've gone about this all the right way, so why hasn't it happened for us? That is why I think we deserve this. And I know it's all up to God and his will, and truly I understand it and trust it will happen in his time, but the natural woman in me can't help but feel that way. Anyways, thanks for listening to another vent. Chao!

A Fun Read & Update

I came across this book at the library, it's called The Conception Chronicles. I was pleased to find a book about TTC, that wasn't all text-booky. This one is raw, blunt humor about the roller coaster of TTC. It was so funny at some times. I really enjoyed reading it, I read it cover to cover in a day.Some of my favorite highlights from the book:

On the topic of Timed Intercourse: "Since when did sex have to be special for him? In your old life, your husband could have one leg caught in a bear trap and would still somehow manage to have sex if you showed even the slightest interest." Absolutely hilarious, and true! lol

"Slutty Saturdays"- Trying to make the baby marathon less work by trying to spice up the romance with lingerie? It gets tiring when your 3 day window turns into 10 days of safety net, dubbing Saturday as "Slutty Saturday" reserving that to be the only day you have to strap yourself into something that doubles as a rock climbing harness. (I love this, it is so funny to me)

There's also a chapter about how to deal with "Fertile Foes" and those are the women who flaunt their obvious fertility in your face. That's a good chapter b/c I've encountered my fair share of those!!

Anywho...just my lil' book review. Enjoy!

BTW, I'm 9DPO today...just a few more days till testing! I can't say for sure if I feel pregnant or not though. Like every month I've gone back and forth and can't really say for sure. As far as symptoms go, I have a little nausea that started yesterday, and I pee a lot, but that one isn't such a good sign or not b/c I have waaay too much juice in my fridge and I always have a drink nearby. I was starving the other day only 10 minutes after I was full, and I've been a little on the sleepy side, which again isn't a good indicator since my 2 year old wakes me up daily at the crack of dawn by putting his nose against my nose and says "Mommy. Wake up!" LOL. Only time will tell. Very tempted to hit up the pharmacy and get me a first response since those are the most accurate test and give an early response, but I have sworn to wait until AF is due to test, which will be Saturday. I can do this!! lol.

Baby Spring Fling

So this past weekend was that Baby Spring Fling. I ended up going with my 2 year old and it was kinda an interesting experience. Mostly because I forgot Cohen's stroller and had to keep him from running off the whole time.

But I was thinking this fair was going to be all things baby, and according to the fliers that there would be medical professionals of all types there to get some info and ideas of what you wanted out of childbirth. This fair was just a way for every anti-medicated birth, anti-formula feeding women, anti-doctor, anti-hospital birth person to get together and push their ideas onto others. I didn't leave feeling informed about anything, but I felt bad that I had an induction, an epidural, a hospital birth, and that I did not breastfeed Cohen. Which is odd, because I am not upset about my choices. In fact, I stand behind them 200%.

For these professionals who claim that women should be able to do it unmedicated, and give a shpeal about how women need to stick together and support each other and yada yada yada... making someone feel like crap because they don't think the same way you do is quite hypocritical. They only want you to do what they want you to do. I left this place sorely pissed off because I was looked down on for having an epidural, or for formula feeding my child.

It irritates the crap out of me that people have to stick their noses in my business that way. I brought a freaking baby into this world, he was perfectly healthy, and is smart as a whip and growing. How can anyone look negatively on the way that I chose to do that? It really ticks me off that people dwell way too much on the childbirthing "experience" rather than the point of it all...the child.

Sorry about the rant, it just ticked me off going to this fair and all these women thinking they were better than me because they did everything "the way it was supposed to happen." I bet you if all those women back in the olden days were offered an epidural, I bet you most of them would take it.

Moral of this Blog:
If you want to do it natural, great. If you want to feed your baby bottle or breast, fine. If you want to give birth in tub of water, or a hospital bed, great. Just don't assume that it's the only way to do it and that anyone else who does it differently is selfish or ignorant. Just mind your own business and keep your opinions to yourself.

Thanks for listening. :)

My Son's Birth Story - What Type of Birth do I want?

Ok, remember how I said the 2WW wasn't too bad? Well I lied I guess, because now I am miserable!! I'm 10DPO...that supposedly puts me in testing "timezone" but I am trying with all my might to save any testing till atleast Friday. That's when mother nature's gift is supposed to be delivered. As far as the chart goes, it's still up so that's good news. Now instead of being so excited to go to bed so I can wake up and take my temperatures, I'm dreading it because I do not want to see it drop!! Anyways, on to other thoughts.

I love browsing the web and reading birth stories. I know I'm a birth geek. lol. So anyways, there are a lot of birthing situations that I've seen. I have only attended 2 births, my sons, obviously, and a friends. Those two births were completely different. My sister in law had a natural birth in a birthing center. Another friend had an emergency C-section and she has been scarred by that experience ever since. I know there's no way to plan for what it going to happen, lots of things can happen, but it has made me think about what kind of birth I want. First, I'll share my experience with you.

My son was "due" according to the doctors on Jan 8th. The date rolled around and then passed me by and before I knew it 9 days had passed. The doctors were seeing me every other day to check my progress and see why labor hadn't started yet, and they also did some stress tests on the baby to make sure he was ok. And he was. One morning, I was supposed to go into the doctors at 9am, but I got a phone call from one of the doctors there and she asked me to come in. Funny thing, a coworker at the jewelry store happened to be one of her nurses too, and she talked to this doctor about my overdue-ness, and she decided to bring me in. So I show up and she said she was worried he'd passed or would soon pass a bowel movement in the amniotic fluid and she suggested they induce. She said I could wait until Monday (3 days away) because my doctor was on call starting Monday. Or, she said she could do it today, since she was on call until midnight. I asked her who was on call after midnight, and she said the name of the doctor I refuse to be seen by. So, I chose to be induced, mainly because I didn't want to risk going into labor while he was on call. So, we headed over to the hospital and I got checked in, placed into a gown, and got into the bed, it was about 10am by the time I got situated..

They wanted to put a pill called Cytotec (I believe) via vaginal suppository to get my contractions going, but once they hooked me up to the monitor I was already having significant contractions, I just couldn't feel them. So they nixed the Cytotech and started me on a low dose of pitocen. It wasn't bad at all. They would come in an up the pit every hour or so, and I could feel the pressure intensifying, but it didn't hurt. I was kinda bored, and hungry, and just hung out waiting to progress. By 5pm I was only dialated to a 1. So the doctor came in a broke my water, only to find that it was green (He did pass a bowel movement in the amniotic fluid).

So after they broke my water, the contractions started to hurt a lot more. I just curled into a ball and breathed through them as they came. I was checked again around 7 and I was barely at a 3. It was taking forever! I kept asking for an epidural, but they said they'd give it to me once I hit a solid 3. So instead they gave me some Staydol to take the edge off the contractions. It worked a little, made me mostly sleepy, and wore off quickly. After it wore off they came in to give me the epidural (around 10:15ish). I don't remember much of that process, because i was curled up over a pillow trying to get through contraction after contraction. So, I got my epidural in around 10:30pm. It was heavenly...for about 30 minutes. I kept feeling this aching, stabbing pain in my pelvis and I said that the epidural wasn't working. They gave me a little more, but the pain wasn't going away. The nurse came in and checked me, and holy cow I was at 10!

My husband had gone down to the cafeteria after the epi was in because they told him it would be a few more hours. My mother in law went running down the halls looking for him, meanwhile they are bringing in all the tools for delivery, draping the floor with those blue clothes, preparing the infant's bed, I started to cry. They said I wouldn't deliver till tomorrow morning, I wasn't ready yet!! I remember just panicking. My husband rushed into the door and was by my side and I just looked at him freaked out.

The L&D Nurse got me situated to push and said, "Let's do a few practice pushes, and we'll see where we're at." So I beared down and pushed once, and she said "Oh crap, stop stop stop! He's right there, I'm gonna go get the doctor, whatever you do, do NOT push!" (Talk about freaking me out!!) So I just laid there trying not to push even though I felt like it. That was awkward. So the doctor came in a few minutes later, and told me that as soon as the baby was out, they were gonna take him over to his little bed thing, and suction him out b/c he had the green amniotic fluid in there. I nodded, and she told me to push. 3 pushes later, my baby was out and rushed over to be suctioned. After they suctioned him, I could hear him crying very strongly, and I was so happy. My husband went over to see the baby while I prepared to deliver the placenta, and it's all kinda a blurr after that point. I only tore in 2 small places, and as they let me sit up again, I remember saying to my mom, "That's it? That wasn't so bad, I could do that again!" My little boy was 7lbs 12 oz, 21 1/2 inches long and absolutely perfect.

Now comparing my birth experience to what I witnessed from my friend's delivery, I had a walk in the park. My epidural was absolutely amazing, I didn't feel much of anything except that knocking around on my pelvis. Hers wore off and she was in tons of pain. It makes me a little nervous for the next time around, because what if mine wears off? I don't know how I would handle the pain.

I do know, that a hospital birth is a must for me. All my experiences in the hospital were good ones, great care was taken of me and my loved ones. I felt very safe surrounded my hundreds of medical professionals, and I felt very safe knowing there was a pediatric staff and NICU right down the hall if my baby needed it. I felt safe knowing that If I needed a c-section, It would be available to me right down the hall. Some people are against medical intervention. I am not one of them. To me, the only thing that's important is that I have a healthy baby at the end. I'm not ripping on anyone who believes different, this is my blog and my opinion. lol. When my friend was in labor, I remember talking to one of the nurses and we were talking about home births. She said, "As many babies as I've had to resuscitate in my job, I would never have a home birth." All I know, is if something happened to my baby during a homebirth, and we couldn't make it to the hospital in time to save his/her life, I would never forgive myself. And I'm not saying things never happen at a hospital, they do, but I just feel safer with professionals at my side.

I've seen videos about hospital trama to the infants, and the doctors yanking on the baby and stuff...Well I plan to discuss that with my doctor when I choose her... tell her my fears and concerns and see how she handles it. I even think I'll have a mirror to watch what she is doing down there, and I will not hesitate to have my husband or myself, put the doctor in check. I think if I have a provider I trust, then it should be smooth sailing. Just my opinion. Everyone is entitled, and this is mine.

Anyways, sorry so long. But did you know I didn't think about TTC during this whole post?!? Yay me! lol

Dreams

Man, as if I don't think about having a baby enough during the day, the thoughts have to continue to bother me while I'm sleeping! I think every night this week I've had some kind of being pregnant dream, or taking a test dream, a miscarriage dream, or an infertility dream. Seriously, and they are so real!

Just last night I had 2 dreams. The first one, I was taking a pregnancy test and it immediately was positive. I was going to go show it to my mom and it blew out of my hand and I went running after it. And for some reason there were no more pregnancy tests to be bought, so no one would believe me that I was pregnant. Weird. LOL. Then, at some point I woke up and went back to sleep.

The next dream I had was me trying to take my temperatures but my thermometer wouldn't go above 95 degrees. I swore up and down that I was pregnant but every test I took came up with an invalid result. Talk about frustrating!!

I woke up this morning sort of discouraged. I had no luck in my dreams and then I got to take my temperature for real and it's still high, but I'd like it to be higher. I really wish I could dream about something else!! I just feel so overwhelmed and even obsessed, and I really am trying NOT to be. As soon as a thought creeps into my mind I push it out, I'd go crazy if I didn't.

But being discouraged this morning brought out my ranty feelings that I try to suppress. I know I shouldn't feel like I am owed anything in this life, but I can't help but feel like it's my time to get what we've been trying for and praying for for 14 months now! I know it's wrong to be jealous of others who have what I want, but it makes me crazy to hear "We weren't even trying" or "All he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant." I feel like I have made every right choice I possibly could with my life, and that I've got my ducks in a row financially and with health insurance... My heart has so much room left to love another baby or several babies, and it is so hard having to deal with this struggle. It really is. Ugh. Sorry guys, just ranting a little.

And if you are one of those who got pregnant first try or on accident and you think I'm being rude or spiteful, I'm really not. I just hate how SOME people take their ability and gift of getting and staying pregnant for granted. I would totally wish for all the morning sickness in the world, the dry hair, the weight gain, the uncomfortable-ness, I'd take it all and never complain because it is literally a miracle that you are pregnant. I will never take it for granted.

Anyways, that's my 9DPO rant. Thanks for bearing with me! :)

6 DPO

Hey guys. I went through some issues with my chart, it says I ovulated on day 17, when I'm pretty sure it was on CD16...so I found out how to adjust my chart and things should be correct now. That means I'm 6 DPO today. I've read everywhere that the egg will usually implant around day 6-10...and I've been having some cramping today, so maybe that's a good sign? Temps are still up, and I spent some time today dry-heaving over the toilet because my lunch did not sit well with me almost as soon as I ate it. Probably too early for any real symptoms, but I'm crossing my fingers! Not obsessing about it all yet, and that's good. I am trying to keep my mind off it all so the TWW goes by faster. Anyways, that's about it for today... I think I'm gonna go! TTYL!

What's happening during the TWW

Hello all,

So far the TWW hasn't been so bad. Haha, I'm only 3 days in, but I'm not too worried about it all...yet. From what I read the egg stays in the fallopian tubes for about 3 days before it enters the uterus. But during that time, it's growing and the cells are splitting and all kinds of cool stuff. That is, IF we caught the egg. I don't know. I can't help but worry we missed it...but only time will tell. Anywho... so after those 3 days it enters the uterus and impants, usually around 6-10 DPO...seems like a long time in between, but I guess that's how it is. Once it implants, that's the earliest you can be getting symptoms (around 10DPO).

Also, something I learned yesterday, for all you charters out there, you will probably have a temperature dip on the day it implants, or a temperature rise to a new degree. Interesting!

Below is a pic of fertilization. It is computer generated of course.This is a pic of implantation of the embryo on the uterine wall. I've read that if you were to take a fine tipped pen, and make a dot on a piece of paper, that's how big the egg is when it implants. Crazy huh?

If you just loved these pics and wanna see more, I got them from this blog post.

Finding Doctors...Cont.

I read all the comments on my "Doctors" post, and I had never heard of a DO... so I did some research for one in my area and my current doctor just happens to be a DO. Now out of all the docs I've been to, she's been the best so far... maybe I'll give her another shot and lay everything out on the table about what I'm expecting in my provider.... hmmm.

For those of you, who are like me, that have no idea what a DO is, it stands for Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine. Click here to learn more about them.

Doctors

I've had the unfortunate pleasure of being seen by MANY doctors in only the last 4 years... I think I've seen a total of 10ish OBGYNs in the last 4 years, and it is discouraging to me that I have not found one that I would recommend to my friends, one that I feel has my interests at heart, and someone who sees me as more than their paycheck. It is frustrating to me, that doctors are so quick to prescribe medication to fix everything, and that most of the time they don't listen.

This doesn't have anything to do with TTC, but I just took my 2 year old to the doctor because he would be in extreme pain every time he had a bowel movement. I mean, screaming bloody murder pain, and sometimes he would blister and just have random bleeding out the rectum. Sorry if this is TMI...just trying to give you a summary of what's wrong. Anyways, it's been going on for more than a month, and it doesn't matter if is a soft or hard poop, he still screams. And he is not constipated, because he goes regularly every day pretty much. So, I finally schedule him an appointment and my usual doctor is not there. I guess I can say he is one doctor I like... he has been my son's doctor since he was in the hospital at birth... anyways, he wasn't there, but being so desperate to get my baby boy some relief, I agreed to meet with another doctor. BIG MISTAKE! I explained the situation to him, he lays my son down on the little table thing, and does some feeling around in his abdomen. He says, "He's probably just constipated. Try mixing a stool softener into his juice in the morning and that should fix it." I explained that it was not constipation, and the doc basically just stared at me like, "I'm the doctor and this is what I say it is, Give him a stool softener." So, I was getting irritated that he wouldn't listen or even consider anything else. So I rudely asked (yes, I know I was being rude, but I didn't care by that point) "So what do I do about the blisters and random bleeding coming from inside of him?" His anwer... DIAPER RASH CREAM! As far as I know, that is for EXTERNAL use only...and I think the problem is inside. Then before asking if there was any other questions, he just walked out of the room and I was left to escort myself out of the office. Anywho... I was/am so mad at that waste of time, and I plan to go back on Thursday to talk to my usual doctor and even file a complaint against this guy. Anywho...it made me think about doctors in general and the overall experience I've had with them. I've comprised a lit of everything I would like to see in a doctor, so if you'd like, read it, add to it, customize it. These are just things I want, and plan to ask the doctors as I choose the next doctor for my next pregnancy. It's best to decide on a doctor before hand, that way you are not rushed into picking one just to get medical care.

1. I want a female doctor. From my experience, they are a little more sympathetic to my feelings. 2. I want a doctor that will deliver at the hospital of my choice. I'm surprised at how many doctors deliver at only one hospital in town...

3. I want an OBGYN that is more like a midwife. I want one who is trained as an OBGYN but puts more emphasis on me and the birth, rather than making it just a job. I want someone who can stick with me through any complications and not have to pass me over to a strange doctor if I need more serious care.

4. I want a doctor who is patient. They knew what they were signing up for when they got their job... I don't want a Dr. who wants to cut me at 8cm just so I'll deliver faster so he can go home. That's your job buddy, deal with it.

5. I am not against Vacuums or forceps persay, but I'd like to avoid them if possible. I need my Dr. to understand that, and give my body a chance to do what it's designed to do.

6. I want my OBGYN to be proactive about helping me keep a pregnancy. I want frequent monitoring of my pregnancy.7. I want my doctor to do the ultrasounds, not an ultrasound tech, OR I would like my doctor to be present for ultrasounds. Past UTsweren't as personable, because they know nothing about me.

8. I want a doctor that is pro-herbal/natural medicines. I'm no hippy, and I like my epidural, but I want a doc who's supportive of taking a natural approach to medicine and feeling good.

9. I want a doctor that calls me back with my lab results, not some 18 year old receptionist who knows nothing about what she is telling me.

10. And lastly, I'd like a doctor to speak kindly about me at all times. I've had doctors who will step outside and talk to a nurse and speak badly about me, not realizing I can hear him through the door.

I just want a doctor who is worth keeping. I hear stories about how women love their doctors and stay with them for years, and even have their kids see them when they have babies. I want a keeper doctor.

But for now the search continues!

How Can I NOT try?

Today's frustration is getting every party involved with baby making...well... involved! My husband is great, let me tell you all that first. He really puts up with a lot and probably knows more than most women even do about how a woman's body works, and the best ways to really get pregnant. If we were having a conversation about the things we are most passionate about, he would talk about video games or track, and I would talk about baby making. And believe it or not after all these years of TTC he actually understands what I am talking about, in the scientifical sense.

It seems that he has the hardest time connecting to the strong desire I have to have another baby. He says he gets it, and I know he tries. But today he mentioned that we "agreed" not to actively try anymore, but just to let what happens happen. Now we did have this conversation last month, because I still wanted to have another cycle come around before actually pursuing this, so I said if it happened last month, then great. Now here we are, I'm gung-ho about doing this, and he is taken all aback because he thought we weren't going to "try."

Honestly, if I could just put all methods on the shelf and just let chance takes it's toll, I would. I envy those so much out there who get pregnant without trying, I've heard so many people say "As soon as you stop trying it happens." But after all I've learned, all the difficulties I've had, and all the time that has gone by since deciding to TTC... How can I NOT try? How can I not take my BBT every morning, and count my days and study my chart, and take vitamins, and excersize and eat right and all those things that will help me get pregnant? DH and I decided to have another baby in February of 2009. That's over a year ago. How can I waste any time at all by being...oh what's the word, all nonchalant about it all?

When we first started trying to conceive our first, I had NO idea how it really worked, And still without using any birth control I had no luck for a YEAR. I'm not playing here!! I know I'm young and have lots of time, but when a woman knows she should have another, there's no stopping her!! It's all I think about, and I even dream about it at night. I wish it wasn't that way, but I want to give my son a little brother or sister, and I long to hold another infant of my own in my arms. There is honestly nothing else I want more than growing my family right now.

All the eggs are in the basket. All preparations have been made financially, insurance is set up, and my heart is ready. Now we just have to wait for that blessing!

Why we do this

Please excuse my absence yesterday, one of my best friends went in to labor yesterday morning 19 days early. I was at her side through the entire birth, helping her, counting for her, and just being supportive. This is the only other birth I've ever been involved in- besides my own, and I have to say I am even more sure that I want to be a L&D Nurse. It was absolutely amazing and just reminded me why we women go through what we do. All the pain and headache of TTC, the 9- almost 10 months of being uncomfortable and forgetful, and 30-40 pounds heavier, and the excruciating hours of labor and then the birth, is for that little baby we've worked so hard towards, and I have to say it's a small price to pay for that little miracle. Congrats to my friend she did an amazing job with no epidural (it wore off) and she now has a new little family, and the baby is seriously small and very beautiful!

Pregnant Lady Parade

The last few days seem like they've been part of a pregnancy parade. Atleast 6 friends of mine found out they were pregnant today, some others found out their baby's gender, some are having theirs and/or are due very soon, and at church in a room full of 6 women, I was the only non-pregnant one there. When you live in Idaho, in Mormon country, such is life I guess! :) It still makes it very hard to know I should be 30+ weeks today if I hadn't lost the first baby this last time around. It doesn't seem fair. Especially since "experts" say that when you are in your 20's the risk of miscarraige is 15%. Bull Shiz!! Sorry, a little rant on my part but hey, all you TTCers can relate I'm sure. Tomorrow my post will be on herbal supplements to boost fertility! Yay!

Pregnancy Test with Conception Indicator

This is something that I, as a TTCer, think is VERY cool. When I saw it, I don't know why, but I was excited. It just shows how much science is progressing and before we know it, we'll know as soon as we get pregnant, that we are!

This is the NEW Clearblue DIGITAL Pregnancy Test with Conception Indicator. Not only does it tell you if you are pregnant or not without having to worry about faint lines or evaporation lines, but it also will tell you roughly how pregnant you are!! Like a normal pregnancy test, it detects the pregnancy hormone hCG in your urine. This baby also calculates the concentration of it (hCG should double every 48 hours in a healthy pregnancy) to determine roughly how far along you are. I can see it being a little off for some women because some don't produce high amounts of hCG during pregnancy, and if you are pregnant with multiple babies it might tell you you are further along than you are. But still, it's very cool. Just another thing from my friends at Clearblue! I don't use any other test but their digitals!!

I've heard some women say they are found at their Walmarts, but others say it's only available in the UK. I have found them on ebay, but have yet to check Walmart. If any of you readers have found them somewhere let me know!!

And so it begins...

Yay first blog post! My main purpose for creating this blog is to journal all my experiences, pieces of knowledge that I learn, vent about the frustration involved, and basically unload all my feelings to someone who doesn't really know me. I try to keep the fact that my Dear Hubby (DH) and I are TTC a secret because once people know we are, they expect something right away! So, here's the background on me.

I am 22 years old. DH and I have been married almost 4 years now and we have 1 little boy who is 18months. We decided in January that we wanted to start trying for another, and here we are at the end of June with no such luck. With my first baby, it took a year of TTC, so I am bracing myself and accepting the fact it wont happen overnight for this time either. That being said it doesnt help the feeling of utter failure when you look at the pee stick and see I big fat NO! in the little window.

My hopes for this blog is that those who read it will relate to me, share their thoughts, and be a little place they can go to know that not everyone on the planet gets pregnant when they "weren't even trying!"

I want to post any of the info I learn along the way, myths and truths, and all kinds of fun. So, subscribe and have fun with it. After all, isn't trying to make a baby the funnest part?