Man, as if I don't think about having a baby enough during the day, the thoughts have to continue to bother me while I'm sleeping! I think every night this week I've had some kind of being pregnant dream, or taking a test dream, a miscarriage dream, or an infertility dream. Seriously, and they are so real!
Just last night I had 2 dreams. The first one, I was taking a pregnancy test and it immediately was positive. I was going to go show it to my mom and it blew out of my hand and I went running after it. And for some reason there were no more pregnancy tests to be bought, so no one would believe me that I was pregnant. Weird. LOL. Then, at some point I woke up and went back to sleep.
The next dream I had was me trying to take my temperatures but my thermometer wouldn't go above 95 degrees. I swore up and down that I was pregnant but every test I took came up with an invalid result. Talk about frustrating!!
I woke up this morning sort of discouraged. I had no luck in my dreams and then I got to take my temperature for real and it's still high, but I'd like it to be higher. I really wish I could dream about something else!! I just feel so overwhelmed and even obsessed, and I really am trying NOT to be. As soon as a thought creeps into my mind I push it out, I'd go crazy if I didn't.
But being discouraged this morning brought out my ranty feelings that I try to suppress. I know I shouldn't feel like I am owed anything in this life, but I can't help but feel like it's my time to get what we've been trying for and praying for for 14 months now! I know it's wrong to be jealous of others who have what I want, but it makes me crazy to hear "We weren't even trying" or "All he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant." I feel like I have made every right choice I possibly could with my life, and that I've got my ducks in a row financially and with health insurance... My heart has so much room left to love another baby or several babies, and it is so hard having to deal with this struggle. It really is. Ugh. Sorry guys, just ranting a little.
And if you are one of those who got pregnant first try or on accident and you think I'm being rude or spiteful, I'm really not. I just hate how SOME people take their ability and gift of getting and staying pregnant for granted. I would totally wish for all the morning sickness in the world, the dry hair, the weight gain, the uncomfortable-ness, I'd take it all and never complain because it is literally a miracle that you are pregnant. I will never take it for granted.
Anyways, that's my 9DPO rant. Thanks for bearing with me! :)
Today's frustration is getting every party involved with baby making...well... involved! My husband is great, let me tell you all that first. He really puts up with a lot and probably knows more than most women even do about how a woman's body works, and the best ways to really get pregnant. If we were having a conversation about the things we are most passionate about, he would talk about video games or track, and I would talk about baby making. And believe it or not after all these years of TTC he actually understands what I am talking about, in the scientifical sense.
It seems that he has the hardest time connecting to the strong desire I have to have another baby. He says he gets it, and I know he tries. But today he mentioned that we "agreed" not to actively try anymore, but just to let what happens happen. Now we did have this conversation last month, because I still wanted to have another cycle come around before actually pursuing this, so I said if it happened last month, then great. Now here we are, I'm gung-ho about doing this, and he is taken all aback because he thought we weren't going to "try."
Honestly, if I could just put all methods on the shelf and just let chance takes it's toll, I would. I envy those so much out there who get pregnant without trying, I've heard so many people say "As soon as you stop trying it happens." But after all I've learned, all the difficulties I've had, and all the time that has gone by since deciding to TTC... How can I NOT try? How can I not take my BBT every morning, and count my days and study my chart, and take vitamins, and excersize and eat right and all those things that will help me get pregnant? DH and I decided to have another baby in February of 2009. That's over a year ago. How can I waste any time at all by being...oh what's the word, all nonchalant about it all?
When we first started trying to conceive our first, I had NO idea how it really worked, And still without using any birth control I had no luck for a YEAR. I'm not playing here!! I know I'm young and have lots of time, but when a woman knows she should have another, there's no stopping her!! It's all I think about, and I even dream about it at night. I wish it wasn't that way, but I want to give my son a little brother or sister, and I long to hold another infant of my own in my arms. There is honestly nothing else I want more than growing my family right now.
All the eggs are in the basket. All preparations have been made financially, insurance is set up, and my heart is ready. Now we just have to wait for that blessing!
Ok, just a quick little blog here, I came across this website and I have to say it's just fascinating! Not that I'm looking into these measures, but I just stumbled upon it. It covers all kinds of fertility treatments including IUI, IVF, ICI, and egg donation. It is very detailed and informative, and also gives costs of such treatments. It's all good to know if you are considering fertility procedures.Click here to see it
Please excuse my absence yesterday, one of my best friends went in to labor yesterda
y morning 19 days early. I was at her side through the entire birth, helping her, counting for her, and just being supportive. This is the only other birth I've ever been involved in- besides my own, and I have to say I am even more sure that I want to be a L&D Nurse. It was absolutely amazing and just reminded me why we women go through what we do. All the pain and headache of TTC, the 9- almost 10 months of being uncomfortable and forgetful, and 30-40 pounds heavier, and the excruciating hours of labor and then the birth, is for that little baby we've worked so hard towards, and I have to say it's a small price to pay for that little miracle. Congrats to my friend she did an amazing job with no epidural (it wore off) and she now has a new little family, and the baby is seriously small and very beautiful!
The last few days seem like they've been part of a pregnancy parade. Atleast 6 friends of mine found out they were pregnant today, some others found out their baby's gender, some are having theirs and/or are due very soon, and at church in a room full of 6 women, I was the only non-pregnant one there. When you live in Idaho, in Mormon country, such is life I guess! :) It still makes it very hard to know I should be 30+ weeks today if I hadn't lost the first baby this last time around. It doesn't seem fair. Especially since "experts" say that when you are in your 20's the risk of miscarraige is 15%. Bull Shiz!! Sorry, a little rant on my part but hey, all you TTCers can relate I'm sure. Tomorrow my post will be on herbal supplements to boost fertility! Yay!
Yay first blog post! My main purpose for creating this blog is to journal all my experiences, pieces of knowledge that I learn, vent about the frustration involved, and basically unload all my feelings to someone who doesn't really know me. I try to keep the fact that my Dear Hubby (DH) and I are TTC a secret because once people know we are, they expect something right away! So, here's the background on me.I am 22 years old. DH and I have been married almost 4 years now and we have 1 little boy who is 18months. We decided in January that we wanted to start trying for another, and here we are at the end of June with no such luck. With my first baby, it took a year of TTC, so I am bracing myself and accepting the fact it wont happen overnight for this time either. That being said it doesnt help the feeling of utter failure when you look at the pee stick and see I big fat NO! in the little window. My hopes for this blog is that those who read it will relate to me, share their thoughts, and be a little place they can go to know that not everyone on the planet gets pregnant when they "weren't even trying!" I want to post any of the info I learn along the way, myths and truths, and all kinds of fun. So, subscribe and have fun with it. After all, isn't trying to make a baby the funnest part?
