Try to find the silver lining.

I am a little bummed this morning. DH and I had a long conversation last night. We've dubbed Sunday nights to be our "discussion night" where we go over finances and the budget, and talk about anything else that we feel needs to be discussed. So we were looking over our quicken last night, and we became a little concerned.

DH works two jobs, and I am about to start school 3/4 time next week, plus we have a 2 year old. Our plates are pretty full. DH's second job has severely cut his hours (seriously, he's only worked 8 hours in the last two weeks) and we need him to be working the 20/week hours that he was promised in order to make ends meet. Needless to say, the outlook wasn't so great for the next few months, and while we would be ok, if we had to throw in more diapers into the budget, if for some reason I couldn't breastfeed again, we would have a hard time affording formula, and if for some reason our insurance didn't cover any of the cost (like with my son) we would be in a world of hurt.

So after a long discussion, lots of tears (on my end), some planning, and some prayer, we have decided not to have a baby at this point in time. I am devistated, but I am trying to find the silver lining. We still want one, and knowing it can only take a few months to get things situated again we aren't completely closing the door. We agreed that each Sunday when we go over our financial situation, we'll re-evaluate whether or not to try. That gives me a little hope that the door is not completely closed. It also motivates me to do all I can to fix things and make it so we can start trying again.

I went to bed last night a little angry. It just wasn't fair to me. Anytime we start making financial strides in the right direction, it feels like someone kicks us back down. We used to be very reckless with our money, but we've learned and are sooo much better with it, but yet it still feels like we are going nowhere. People get pregnant all the time when they can't afford the baby, and they turn to the government for help. I'm not saying that's wrong, but I just can't do that. It is an appealing idea to be able to do that, but maybe it's a pride issue, but I think other people need that more than us. I feel it is my responsibility to be able to provide for the children I bring into this world, because what if the gov't ceased to be?

So, yes, I went to bed angry last night. I think most of it was because I knew it was not a good time to have a baby, but yet I wanted it so badly I was refusing to see the long term perspective. I even said, and I am so ashamed to have said it, that "If God didn't want me to have a baby now, then he needs to stop making me feel like I should have one." I said it. I feel horrible, because that there is my problem. I am trying to pave my own path, when He already has one for me. I hate that it's not the time. I really do. So last night when I said my prayers, instead of asking for a healthy pregnancy, I asked to understand, and to have patience.

Though I am still upset about the decision, I feel that it is best. It is our job as parent to be financially responsible before bringing other life into the world. And I am not talking about being rich or anything, but able to meet the basic demands of having a family. I am ok with the decision. I know it is for the best, and I strongly feel like when it is the right time, I will have no problem getting and staying pregnant. It feels like something he's promised me.

There is a reason in all things, and I am starting to see that there is a lot I need to learn. This experience, these trials, they are for me right now, to teach me. So, I'm looking at the silver lining and I am going to grow from this. It will make me a better mom, wife and friend. I am facing these trials so that I can help someone in the future not endure them.

On a lighter note, I am a planner, and since I need something to plan, here is what I am going to take the time off from TTC to do:

1. Get fit. I WILL do the Jillian Michael's 30 Day shred. All 30 days.
2. Get my CNA license.
3. Change my diet. Reduce my meat intake, eat more veggies, and no soda. I am done!
4. MAYBE I'll go see a naturpath about a herbal regiment, but that's not a big issue right now.
5. Consider getting off my anti-depressants. I hate relying on a pill to feel good, but right now I am scared to get off them. I don't like myself off of them.

Sorry for the long novel post. It might be the last post in a while... I might blog about other things somewhat related to TTC, and keep you updated. So stay subscribed, that way you don't miss a thing!

HSG Test & Results

So, this morning bright and early I checked into the hospital for my HSG test. We went to the radiology wing and gave all our info. We only waited like 5 minutes, and the nurse (her name was Breezy by the way, and she was really cool) escorted me back to the xray room. She gave me a hospital gown and a robe to wear (the robe was a nice addition, I'm gonna ask for one when I'm in L&D) because I was completely covered up for a change! So, they had me lay on the x-ray table and they took an initial x-ray to see what shape my uterus was. After they did that, they scooted me all the way to the edge of the table and began the procedure.

First used the speculum to open the pathway the catheter would go through (just like a pap smear) then he swabbed my cervix with what looked like iodine to cleanse the area, then he filled a syringe with this yellowish-goo and then attached the syringe to a 12" metal looking tube and inserted it into my cervix. Now when I researched the procedure, everything I read said they used a balloon to hold the cervix open, but this thing had two little spikes that poke into the cervix to hold it open. As soon as he put it in it hurt. Immediately the cramping started, and then as soon as he injected the dye (the yellowish-goo) I was INTENSE pain!! My hubby held my hand and I'm sure his fingers hurt by the end of it. I tried so hard to breath through the pain, but it was very hard to do. I equate it with being in labor. It only took 5 minutes tops, but it felt like much longer.

So, the dye went in and they photgraphed it as they went. As soon as the procedure was done, he quickly removed the catheter and I was done. He let me sit up and pulled the monitor around so I could see the results. As soon as I sat up I felt like I was going to throw up, don't know if it was the pain, the laying down, or the cramping, but it was not a great feeling.

Anyways, on to the results. First thing he told me was that there was scar tissue on my cervix. He says it's probably from my son's birth, or from my D&C 8 months ago. He doesn't think that has anything to do with my reproductive health, it was just something he noticed. Another thing he said was I had a "severely tilted uterus" which means it tilts back more that it should, but again, it can make it a little bit tougher to conceive, it's not an issue, and there's really nothing they can do for it. Other than that, there are no fibroids or polyps in my uterus, my tubes are open and very clear, no scar tissue other than on the cervix (that means my D&C was done right!) so everything looked as it should! It's good to know that nothing is wrong in there. Below is an example of what I saw, This is NOT my scan, but one I found on google, that had the same results as me.

I cramped really badly for about an hour or two after the procedure and have a little bleeding, but it should be done by the end of today. The doc said he was concerned about my cervix if I keep bleeding, since those two spikes might have torn it, and therefore I would need stitches. I hope not!

But anywho...now I'm just waiting to do my retests for my blood work. Then it's on the the next phase. My doctor even suggested clomid already, but I don't know if we're ready for that yet. I'm more worried about finding out how to STAY pregnant.

A Fun Read & Update

I came across this book at the library, it's called The Conception Chronicles. I was pleased to find a book about TTC, that wasn't all text-booky. This one is raw, blunt humor about the roller coaster of TTC. It was so funny at some times. I really enjoyed reading it, I read it cover to cover in a day.Some of my favorite highlights from the book:

On the topic of Timed Intercourse: "Since when did sex have to be special for him? In your old life, your husband could have one leg caught in a bear trap and would still somehow manage to have sex if you showed even the slightest interest." Absolutely hilarious, and true! lol

"Slutty Saturdays"- Trying to make the baby marathon less work by trying to spice up the romance with lingerie? It gets tiring when your 3 day window turns into 10 days of safety net, dubbing Saturday as "Slutty Saturday" reserving that to be the only day you have to strap yourself into something that doubles as a rock climbing harness. (I love this, it is so funny to me)

There's also a chapter about how to deal with "Fertile Foes" and those are the women who flaunt their obvious fertility in your face. That's a good chapter b/c I've encountered my fair share of those!!

Anywho...just my lil' book review. Enjoy!

BTW, I'm 9DPO today...just a few more days till testing! I can't say for sure if I feel pregnant or not though. Like every month I've gone back and forth and can't really say for sure. As far as symptoms go, I have a little nausea that started yesterday, and I pee a lot, but that one isn't such a good sign or not b/c I have waaay too much juice in my fridge and I always have a drink nearby. I was starving the other day only 10 minutes after I was full, and I've been a little on the sleepy side, which again isn't a good indicator since my 2 year old wakes me up daily at the crack of dawn by putting his nose against my nose and says "Mommy. Wake up!" LOL. Only time will tell. Very tempted to hit up the pharmacy and get me a first response since those are the most accurate test and give an early response, but I have sworn to wait until AF is due to test, which will be Saturday. I can do this!! lol.

A Little Inside Joke

Ok, so I'm a big fan of the show Family Guy. There's an episode where the baby, Stewie, doesn't want his parents to have another baby, so he jumps in this little spaceship thing, shrinks down, and goes into Peter (his Dad's body) to destroy all his sperm. It's really funny. My husband and I like to joke sometimes that our son does the same thing Stewie does in this clip (kill the sperm) because getting pregnant isn't that easy for me. Sorry about the bad quality, this is the only clip I could find.

My little comic I made.

What's happening during the TWW

Hello all,

So far the TWW hasn't been so bad. Haha, I'm only 3 days in, but I'm not too worried about it all...yet. From what I read the egg stays in the fallopian tubes for about 3 days before it enters the uterus. But during that time, it's growing and the cells are splitting and all kinds of cool stuff. That is, IF we caught the egg. I don't know. I can't help but worry we missed it...but only time will tell. Anywho... so after those 3 days it enters the uterus and impants, usually around 6-10 DPO...seems like a long time in between, but I guess that's how it is. Once it implants, that's the earliest you can be getting symptoms (around 10DPO).

Also, something I learned yesterday, for all you charters out there, you will probably have a temperature dip on the day it implants, or a temperature rise to a new degree. Interesting!

Below is a pic of fertilization. It is computer generated of course.This is a pic of implantation of the embryo on the uterine wall. I've read that if you were to take a fine tipped pen, and make a dot on a piece of paper, that's how big the egg is when it implants. Crazy huh?

If you just loved these pics and wanna see more, I got them from this blog post.

Almost Giddy

I am on CD13... so I'm in my "fertile" period, and I am strangely...Giddy about it all. I am so excited to actually try this cycle it's probably silly. I want to catch that egg more than anything, and I feel like my body is 100% in harmony with things and that it will happen soon... I sure hope so!! I would love a Christmas Baby. He/She might night like it in the future...but hey, I've waited long enough! :)

And just a side note, I went to www.bing.com and did an image search for the word "Giddy" to add to this blog, and you'd be surprised to see what came up lol. Just thought I'd share that!

A Must See...

This is kind of long and sorry that it's broken into 6 parts, but I stumbled across this today and watched it today. It is utterly FASCINATING! I mean, I know how conception works and stuff, but this really puts it into perspective and makes the whole process seem absolutely amazing.

My 2 year old sat in my lap during some of the movie, and I could not help but swell with pride that HE was the one sperm who made it through all those obstacles compared to millions of others. He endured it all, he was the fastest, the smartest, and the strongest. It could have been a completely different one, but it was him. I guess the same goes for me... I was the one who made it out of millions. The ending of the movie very much sums up what I felt about luck. So, enjoy the movie, it's about an hour-ish long, but it is so worth the time. There are specialty doctors in this who give some insight on ways to increase your chances of conception...I learned several things in this video. I think I am going to make my husband watch it... it's just so cool!! Enjoy everyone!

Herbal Supplements to Boost Fertility

A lot of info from today's post comes from all over the place, so I will do my best to give credit where due.

The first two pregnancies I've had were lost before I hit 8 weeks. They were pretty close together (January and Late February). I had some issues with Ovarian cysts in the past and the only thing a doctor said to do to get rid of them was take birth control pills. Well, that wasn't an option for me at the time since we were TTC! So, desperate, I went and saw an Iridologist (not sure how that's spelled). An Iridologist is a person who "reads" people's eyes. they basically look for patterns and colors in they eye and look for weak spots in the body, and that gives them a good idea of what is unbalanced and such. To learn more about it, CLICK HERE. Well, I went to this lady and she read my eyes and it was almost like going to a fortune teller. She knew a lot about me and my body just by reading my eyes. It was cool. She had no idea why I'd come in and she told me I had an Ovarian Cyst, among other things that were throwing my hormones out of wack. So, she also sold natural medicine, as in herbal supplements and stuff. She told me what I needed to balance out my system to make it more "baby friendly." So after that I found myself taking 9 pills in the morning 5 in the afternoon, and 7 at night. (I'll go into more detail on what I took later). This was in early March when this happened, and by the middle of April, I found out I was pregnant with my now 2 year old son. Not only was it a successful pregnancy, but it was complication free and my body responded well to the effects of pregnancy, having a virtually symptom free pregnancy. I cannot say for sure if it was due to the herbs that I was taking, but I can't say it harmed the processes at all.

Now here it is 2 years after the birth of my son and I've had another 2 miscarriages, again 6 weeks apart. Feeling like a total failure I looked back on what I did differently before my one and only successful pregnancy, and I had totally forgotten about the herbal help I had. So, I called up my Iridologist only to find that she's retired and not doing that kind of thing anymore. Rats! So, lucky for me I remember what it was she "prescribed" me all those years ago so I looked into it. I found the website that she was a member of and priced the supplements I took. I didn't have $75 to waste on 5 different supplements, so I researched which of the herbs would benefit me, and this is what I've found. In my research I've also found some things that can help your partner, so read on!

Now if I may insert a disclaimer here, IT IS BEST TO CONSULT A DOCTOR OR MIDWIFE ABOUT TAKING ANY HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS WHILE TTC. SOME HERBS ARE EXTREMEMLY BENEFICIAL TO TTC, BUT ARE HARMFUL TO A PREGNANCY SO BE SURE TO CONSULT A DOCTOR AND TAKE AS DIRECTED. JUST BECAUSE IT IS HERBAL DOES NOT MEAN IT IS SAFE!

Ok, enough of that. Here's what I was taking as suggested my my Iridologist:

Nature's Sunshine: Female Comfort. The main herbs in this supplement are:
Red raspberry leaves- Raspberry works by helping the fertilized egg attach to the uterine lining and stay attached. Raspberry also seems to have a toning effect that helps women’s reproductive systems function normally. Nowadays, herbalists capitalize on this benefit by recommending raspberry for a variety of women’s problems, such as morning sickness, menstrual cramps, and heavy menstrual bleeding.
Dong quai root-it is considered the "female ginseng" because of its balancing effect on the female hormonal system
Licorice root- Believed to balance feminine hormones
Black cohosh root- It helps to increase the chances of conceiving.
For couples using black cohosh, fertility is one of the best reasons to take it. If you suffer from PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrom) You can take black cohosh for PCOS to help with the problems that come about from this disorder.

I give this supplement the most credit out of everything else I took. The other supplements I took are Adrenal Support, Master Gland Formula, Nutri-Calm, and a prenatal vitamin. Those have more to do with balancing out the human body, not fertility, so if you are interested check them out at the Nature's Sunshine Website.

This time around I am trying something a little different, to be easy on the pocketbooks, I discovered is "Fertility Blend" found at GNC stores and online. It's $39.99 for 90 capsules.This supplement is designed for TTCers.

It contains:
CHASTEBERRY (VITEX) - Can regulate menstrual cycles, proper ovulation, and lengthen the luteal phase of our cycles (10-12 day LP is necessary for proper implantation, the longer the better)
FOLIC ACID- Helps prevent birth defects in your unborn babies
GREEN TEA-In a study conducted at Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program of Northern California in Oakland, researchers found that women who drank more than one half cup of caffeinated green tea every day
doubled their odds of conceiveing (www.babyhopes.com).
B VITAMINS-Balances hormones, correct irregular
cycles, assist in correcting progesterone deficiencies,
improve sperm and egg quality and development
and lengthen the luteal phase.


I am also taking EVENING PRIMROSE OIL. This helps your body create fertile high quality cervical mucus to make your body a sperm-friendly environment, and give you the best chance of getting pregnant.








I am also drinking a cup of Raspberry tea every night to help strengthen the walls of my uterus, hoping for better implantation conditions!

As far as side effects go in taking these supplements, I have to admit I get a little heartburn and an "herby" taste in my mouth, and my pee is bright yellow, but I'm told that's all normal when taking herbals. Again be sure to check with your doctor as some herbal medicine can interfere with other medicines. For example, you cannot take The Fertility Blend when using Clomid.

If you readers have any other suggestions, feel free to share! These are just a few I have heard the most about!

Pregnant Lady Parade

The last few days seem like they've been part of a pregnancy parade. Atleast 6 friends of mine found out they were pregnant today, some others found out their baby's gender, some are having theirs and/or are due very soon, and at church in a room full of 6 women, I was the only non-pregnant one there. When you live in Idaho, in Mormon country, such is life I guess! :) It still makes it very hard to know I should be 30+ weeks today if I hadn't lost the first baby this last time around. It doesn't seem fair. Especially since "experts" say that when you are in your 20's the risk of miscarraige is 15%. Bull Shiz!! Sorry, a little rant on my part but hey, all you TTCers can relate I'm sure. Tomorrow my post will be on herbal supplements to boost fertility! Yay!

Pregnancy Test with Conception Indicator

This is something that I, as a TTCer, think is VERY cool. When I saw it, I don't know why, but I was excited. It just shows how much science is progressing and before we know it, we'll know as soon as we get pregnant, that we are!

This is the NEW Clearblue DIGITAL Pregnancy Test with Conception Indicator. Not only does it tell you if you are pregnant or not without having to worry about faint lines or evaporation lines, but it also will tell you roughly how pregnant you are!! Like a normal pregnancy test, it detects the pregnancy hormone hCG in your urine. This baby also calculates the concentration of it (hCG should double every 48 hours in a healthy pregnancy) to determine roughly how far along you are. I can see it being a little off for some women because some don't produce high amounts of hCG during pregnancy, and if you are pregnant with multiple babies it might tell you you are further along than you are. But still, it's very cool. Just another thing from my friends at Clearblue! I don't use any other test but their digitals!!

I've heard some women say they are found at their Walmarts, but others say it's only available in the UK. I have found them on ebay, but have yet to check Walmart. If any of you readers have found them somewhere let me know!!

Fertility Awareness

In the book "Taking Charge of your Fertility," I was taught a concept that made me say "Duh, why didn't I try that sooner?" This method is called the Fertility Awareness Method or FAM. The FAM method is one of the most accurate ways to determine ovulation, when your period will arrive, what days to baby dance in order to conceive, and can even be used as birth control!! Since this site is dedicated to TTCers, I am not going to talk about using it as a Birth Control Method.


This post will help you break down charting so that is super easy to do and understand. Don't be afraid of the chart pictured below, it's honestly not as complex as it seems!!


If you are TTC or ever are planning to TTC, this is something I think every woman should know about.

All you need to chart is well a chart, and they can be found all over the place. You can chart online at www.fertilityfriend.com or just google "Blank BBT Chart". Here's one you can use: CLICK HERE

And you'll need a basal body thermometer (BBT). They make these in digital or in glass thermometers. This is the one I use (mine's blue and white though). The significance of a BBT is it's acurate to a tenth of a degree, so instead of getting 98 or 99 degrees, you get 98.6 degrees. These are found everywhere, walmart, walgreens, anywhere you'd buy a normal thermometer. Some say the glass one's are more accurate, but I prefer digital.
So here's how you do it: Every morning as close to the same time as possible BEFORE getting out of bed, pop the thermometer in your mouth and take your temp. Stay as still as possible, and make sure you leave the thermometer right by your bed so you don't have to get up and get it. Make sure you have atleast 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep to get the best results. So, record the temperature on a chart in accordance with the cycle day you are on (i.e., your are on cycle day 10 so plot the temp on a chart. Do this every morning! Once you get in the habit of it and chart everyday you're chart will look something like this:


Ok, so now woopdie doo you have a chart going for you. Now what the heck does it mean?? This is when you look for a few things. First of all, make sure the day you start your period is on the chart as Cycle day 1 (CD1). Some charts have places to put details about your period or any spotting you might have. This one doesn't have anything for mentruation details. Anyways, your temperature should remain low until ovulation. This person's chart has her temperature lower than 97.9 when all the sudden it jumps to 98.1. That is an increase of .4 degrees. Why? That means this lady ovulated on CD13. After Ovulation, your temps should stay higher than before. This is the Luteal phase of your cycle. A successful pregnancy and implantation requires ATLEAST a 10 day luteal phase, but most doctors advise having 12 or more days...which means 12 days after ovulation is when you would start your period. So keep taking your temps even after ovulation. If they are staying above coverline (The highest temp recorded BEFORE ovulation) that is prefect! In a normal, non-pregnant cycle, the temperatures will begin to drop a day or two and fall below coverline to begin a new cycle. If you are pregnant however, your temps will stay up atleast 16 days, and sometimes even skyrocket on your chart to a whole new degree. This is one way to know you are pregnant before you take a test. It is also a way to identify missed miscarriages (very early ones).

Now, using the FAM and charting you can't really "predict" ovulation... you can only confirm when it has already happened. So what's the point in charting? MOST women (and I use this term lightly knowing how "Most" tends to mean a very few when it comes to topics like these) ovualte around the same time every month, so after a few months of charting, you may be able to time your baby dancing around those times you've recorded in the past.

I am a firm believer in charting now. I couldn't believe that I had do much control and "insider knowledge" to this technique. If you want to know more check out www.fertilityfriend.com. You can create an account and take a 20 lesson tutorial on how to chart. It's excellent! Good luck and I'd be happy to answer any questions!!

I'm back.

Ok, So I haven't written since June. Ironically enough, just days after my last post I found out I was pregnant, so I decided to nix the whole project and put that book "Taking charge of your fertility" on the bookshelf and enjoy being pregnant. Well, unfortunately I lost that baby at almost 4 months along, and then got pregnant AGAIN in November and just lost that little one at 7 weeks. Needless to say I have devoured every little bit of information since the miscarriage in September and I can say that babies, pregnancy and TTC are my obsession. So I am back with a vengence and this board is dedicated to all those three obsessions. I welcome comments and ideas and anything you guy have to share!!

How to get Pregant...

I have to admit, I've googled this question once or twice after a month or two of trying. You would think, that being women, we know all there is to know about getting pregnant! Once we turned 12 years old and "became women" we were able to create life. When you are 16 and dating boys and your parents tell you, if you have sex, you WILL get pregnant. At your wedding reception everyone comes up to you and asks when you will start having little ones running around... you think that it is the next logical step and that it will be a piece of cake. You heard about those few people who had some issues getting pregnant and we seeking fertilitly help, but you are convinced that it wont be you, that you can get pregnant on the first try. Little did we know!

I was talking to a friend one time and I was telling them about the long year of TTC our first child. She blatantly said to me, "I just don't see how it doesn't work. It's a natural process isn't it?" And that right there is where it hurts so many women. We feel like it should be our natural ability as women to make and have babies, but for so many people it's not the case and we feel broken. Like failures.

The concept of conception is easy as pie. Anywhere you read, the NORMAL cycle is 28 days. Day 1 being the beginning of your period (which should usually last 5-7 days). They say that MOST people ovulate on day 14, smack dab in the middle of the cycle. The best chances of getting pregnant is to have Baby danced (yes, we're keeping it family friendly here folks) 3-5 days BEFORE you ovulate that way you have enough little swimmers ready and waiting to catch the egg is released. Then boom, one little swimmer enters the egg, the egg implants and in 9 months you have a bouncing baby boy or girl. What alot of people don't realize is that MOST people don't ovulate on day 14. I have never met anyone who has been TTC who ovulated on day 14. You could ovulate on day 11, or even day 22. It varies so much. That is the key to getting pregnant I think. Find O-day. I recommend a Ovulation kit.

I will be on my way to buy one after this next cycle rolls around. I also battle ovarian cysts and my ovaries seem to ache when I ovulate, but I am going to back up that former theory with a good ol' digital clearblue. They say that once you know O-day, it's usually the same time every month. But understanding that these are probably the same people that say you should ovulate on day 14... it's good to test every month I think.

I also bought the book "Taking charge of your own fertility." I will share some cool things I hope to learn!

Happy Baby making!!!