The Main Reason

Sometimes when I think about having another baby I get very overwhelmed. I have a two year old and he has more energy bottled up inside him than a roman candle. He refuses to potty train even though he knows what he is supposed to do, he wakes me up at the crack of dawn every morning, and he talks every minute of the day he is awake. He exhausts me. How on earth would I be able to manage 2 of him? When I was pregnant last summer with pregnancy #4, I had these thoughts a lot. I hate to admit that I was a little less thrilled about the fact I was pregnant - Even though we had been trying actively for months. Once the reality hit me that I was actually going to have another baby I got very stressed out. Since that loss, I have realized more than ever that I would love another child. And the main reason I am excited for that, is my son.

As tiring and exhausting as he is, he is the light of my world. Nothing in this world makes me happier than being his Mommy. I love that it is my name he calls out when he has a bad dream, or when he has a boo boo. I love that he comes up to me randomly and kisses my arm or cheek. I love watching him grow and learn. I never would have guessed the joy I would feel when someone said their first sentance ("What do you want?" in this case :)). The fact that I taught him his colors, and that he can pick out certain letters off of the signs in front of stores, the fact that he can tell me what animals say... it is amazing to see that I played a roll in that. I am so proud of all the things he is learning to do every day. I think he is so cute sometimes I just want to squeeze the heck out of him. He gets so much attention everywhere we go because of his massive eyelashes and big brown eyes. I just love nothing more than being his mother.

The reason I am trying to have baby number 2, may be selfish, but I want to feel that feeling x2. I want to be a Mom to another baby. I want Cohen to know the joy there is in having brothers and sisters. There is a hole in our family that needs to be filled, and that hole is very prominent in my eyes and is almost shouting at me to fill it. I cannot wait for this dream to become a reality. I deserve this. Cohen deserves this. Our family deserves this. Am I wrong for thinking we deserve something? At the risk of striking a nerve with someone, we have gone about having our family the right way. We dated, got married, then had a baby. We've gotten our insurance straight, made sure we are financially able to care for a baby, and made all those necessary preparations before trying for #2. We've gone about this all the right way, so why hasn't it happened for us? That is why I think we deserve this. And I know it's all up to God and his will, and truly I understand it and trust it will happen in his time, but the natural woman in me can't help but feel that way. Anyways, thanks for listening to another vent. Chao!